Things you must believe to be Republican Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of
homosexuals and Hillary.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him,
a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a
good guy when Cheney did business with him, and
a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find
Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country
is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam
is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the
United Nations, and our highest national
priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against
Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about
her own body, but multi-national corporations
can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to
praise the troops in speeches, while slashing
veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools,
adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle
our long-time allies, then demand their
cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound
policy, but providing health care to all
Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance
companies have the best interests of the public
at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer
are junk science, but creationism should be
taught in schools.
A president lying about an extra-marital
affair is an impeachable offense, but a
president lying to enlist support for a war in
which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers
named in the Constitution, which include
banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.
The public has a right to know about
Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's
driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a
crime, unless you're a conservative radio host.
Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of
vital national interest, but what Bush did in
the '80s is irrelevant.
If you don't send it to at least 10 other
people, we're likely to be stuck with more
Republicans in '06 and '08, and remember;
friends don't let friends vote Republican.